February/March update

There's been a lot going on in the Larson household. It's hard to pin down where to start.... I guess, I'll break it down into house and family and by "family" I mean Kaden.

The House:
The house is under construction. Big construction by most peoples' standards. Up until a week and a half ago, the activity was contained to outside and the lower level (aka the basement), then it came upstairs, into "our house." The basement is like another building that we visit sometimes, so I don't mind there being a gaggle of activity down there, but coming upstairs is a whole different issue. Due to the dust and chemicals and 8-5 activity, we moved up to my parents' house in Placitas. It's been over a week and I'm feeling quite displaced and anxious to get back.

This is the first remodel I've done where I haven't moved walls. We are adding walls and ceilings, but within existing rooms. The ex-gigantous storage/mechanical room is now a kick-ass home theater and storage room. We did a split level ceiling that is going to look great, and a very nice lighting set up. I'd describe it, but why? I'll show you pictures later. Anyway, it'll be a selling point. My dad came up with the idea, and our contractor, Doug, is having fun doing it. We are NOT having fun paying for it, but we're seeing the value it adds to the house.

It's been sort of stressful picking everything out for this project. It shouldn't be, because this is what I get paid to do, but it's been awhile since I've done it. I feel out of practice, and my mind is distracted because of Kaden. Also, it's really different walking into someone else's house, with "fresh eyes" and ideas. I know I should trust myself, but this house is one that I've lived in. I've spent a lot of time imagining the possibilities for ourselves and our growing family, it's not so easy to just change my mindset. When you design a house, there are two strategies: design for yourself or design for the public's consumption. Sometimes they overlap, but not always. I have to imagine what my target demographic expects, and try to design with that and budget in mind. The house has to show well with our stuff in it, but also be neutral enough for people to imagine their own stuff in place. If budget wasn't an issue, I'd have no problem addressing some of the challenges, but when is that ever the case with anyone you actually know? Speaking of budget.... We're over it by more than I thought we would be.... It's not that I'm surprised we're over budget, but we're venturing into uncomfortable territory. Anyhow, I am definitely getting good bang for my buck, guys are taking care of us on numerous fronts. But, I still don't like how much everything costs!

In a couple more weeks, we'll have the final product, and it's going to look great. The whole plan of pulling out loans, remodeling and selling, then moving again, is incredibly nerve-wracking on a lot of levels; however, this is where I thrive. I love to have a big plan, to visualize a dramatic change, and to see a job coming together. I've just never had a kid to deal with at the same time. I also have a fondness for remodels versus new construction, but really, I love them both. In construction, there are always "unexpecteds," but that's part of the fun, the on-the-fly problem-solving to get everything done efficiently, while still functioning well and looking good in the end. Trying to visualize what a space "wants" to be: the colors, the function, the balance, the longevity, the aesthetic, the cost, it all has to be considered. Being stylish, but still flexible with other peoples' stuff is one of the bigger challenges. Puking out a bunch of beige, like most contractors do, is not stylish, it's uninspired. Of course, those are all issues you deal with in any market, but then you add in the fact that this is almost the worst residential sales market the country has ever seen, and it makes for some added suspense. Despite all of that, and the stress that it causes, I still believe in the product. This is a great house, that people seem to like, and we're making it better at a wholesale price. The key to this whole thing is that we're adding heated square footage at a fraction of what it costs us to turn it into heated square footage. The market has dropped, and we would most definitely take a loss if we didn't leverage what options we have. It's risky, but the numbers for this scenario make the most sense. There is so much more of this story to go, you'll have to stay tuned to see what happens!!

Family:
Kaden. My sweet little guy. He had been so healthy and energetic since his long couple months of illness last fall. Then, a couple weeks ago, he got what I presumed to be my head cold, but I think it was something else he was exposed to. Poor guy got SO sick, super congested, high fever, coughing, puking, had to feed with a syringe for 3 days sick. That all came on the day before my mom-in-law and her husband came for a visit to celebrate Kaden's first birthday on February 21st. So, he got sick and miserable, we got help, and no one got a birthday party. It was all quite sad, but we were thankful for the help, even though we were too tired to say so.

The week we started construction was really tough, because he developed painful ear infections in both ears due to the congestion. We put him on antibiotics, then they created an incredibly bad yeast infection over his ENTIRE diaper region - the kind that is the color of the worst sunburn your redheaded friend has ever had with bumps in it. Really not cool. Much, much screaming with every diaper change, and a very sad, shaky, clingy baby after each one as well. That was after Erik and I were adamant about probiotics twice a day, yogurt, baking soda baths and prescription butt cream. We changed antibiotics, but then he broke out in hives on his cheeks, so no clue what that was about other than maybe the newest drug. This is why I loathe Western medicine. The crazy side effects. Some people are blessed with systems that can take the chemicals, I don't seem to have that gene, and it's looking like my son doesn't either. Once this house is all done up, and listed, I will have to take him in for some appointments. Our pediatrician agrees with me that he has some type of environmental allergy, but it will be a project to discover what specifically makes him react. The blood tests revealed nothing, and it will be challenging to figure out what it could be. Something is just not right with his little system, I just have to keep digging till I find some treatments or eliminations that work for him.
As I mentioned, Kaden turned a year old on the 21st of last month. It was fairly anti-climatic considering his illness, no party and the distraction of construction. It was funny revisiting the night of my labor (read about that night here and here). Shembi and her husband Vince came over for a visit on the 20th, and it was fun reminiscing with Shembi and Erik. We all had such different perspectives and roles! It was such an amazing night the way it all unfolded. I really had no clue what I was in for! The labor itself wasn't bad; however, the recovery was unbelievably hard for me. It took me 6 months to recover to fully functional, yet even now, I still have little twinges from how my pelvis shifted. Over the last year, I've pondered, many a time, what life with a new baby would have been like, or what patterns would have been different, had I had full use of my body within days of his birth. It took me 6 weeks before I could sit up by myself, due to a horribly pinched nerve in the front of my pelvis. I really believe that my physical limitations at the beginning fostered some routines that I otherwise might not have chosen. I suppose it's irrelevant to focus on what could have been, but during my first year of motherhood, I have revisited that issue, many, many times.

The first year of Motherhood was so much more than I ever anticipated. No matter how prepared you think you are, you don't have a fuckin' clue. To be the ultimate responsibility for another, helpless being's existence, that you brought into the world, is a job that never lets up. Ultimately, the baby doesn't give a rat's ass if you need something - like sleep, or food, or a potty break, or a shower, they ONLY care about what they need right that second, and they only have one way of communicating - crying. Being the one in charge of deciphering those needs on a minute by minute basis, while consumed by exhaustion and calorie deprivation is difficult. Then you throw in an almost constant mourning of the loss of your previous life's freedoms, during which you struggle with the new role as sole food source and primary teacher, and it's enough to make one feel as if their life is imploding. Once again, the thought of being a single parent is enough to make me shudder. I certainly count my blessings when I think about my support system of husband, family and friends.

When I reflect back on my year, I would say it took me close to 9 months before I started to have "fun" with motherhood, and started to feel a sense of acceptance and comfort with my new role. There are so many ways in which Kaden is a great baby, I know this because people, namely my mother, tell me so. It's not that he is or was a terribly difficult baby (except for the whole sleep thing, oh and the eating or lack thereof issue, oh yeah, did I mention that he's INCREDIBLY attached to me?), it's just that I continually struggled to let go of my former life. I have not had a boss since the summer of 2000, and even then it was only part-time and I still didn't do very well with it. Nine years later, I had finally gotten to a point in my career that I had been striving for, I felt on top of my game, yet I essentially walked away and got a boss who directed my life 24-7. If my work had ever been consistent, I might have been able to consider daycare or a nanny or whatever, so I could continue my work, but it's never been consistent. You throw the market conditions into the mix and I didn't have any work anyhow, but even knowing those things didn't help cushion the blow very much. Like I said, there's no way you can ever prepare yourself for parenthood, it is just something you have to experience.

So now I have had one years worth of parenting experience. What I've learned is this: parenting is hard. Not just kinda hard, but really hard. It's an endurance test, where you have to dig up energy from the depths of yourself to keep going, which you swear you don't have, then you have to find a bit more. Patience is something that you have to continually strive to employ. I've also learned, that as a mother, we are biologically programed to get loopy if our baby is not happy. If I hear someone else's baby cry, it bothers me, but more in an annoyance or pity way. When my kid cries, all kinds of chemicals get released that make me jump up from a deep sleep to go to him and fix what ails him. My stomach turns over, my throat does this weird thing and my "who-ha" lets me know that I need to get to the source of the crying - NOW! Luckily, I've learned how to adjust more, and not be as resentful of not being my own boss anymore. Definitely one of my harder lessons, but I'm finally getting the hang of it. As with aging, the more time you get behind you, the more you realize how much you don't know. I now know, that I have SO many more lessons ahead of me. I am scared some of the time, anxious others, excited on occasion, but mostly trying to accept that my life is no longer my own. I am committed to Kaden and his well being, and I will just keep adjusting to making our lives work together. I have to say that I am relieved that Year One is done with....at least with our first kid.

I'm sure it comes across like I have nothing good to say about the first year, but the little things have helped me get through. Kaden is a beautiful baby, he smells delicious and his smile is infectious. He is really easy to make laugh and his laugh is wonderful. It's hearty and full and ridiculously sweet. He loves me, unlike anybody else. He thinks I'm the greatest thing ever. He sees none of my faults (yet) and to him I am perfect - regardless of my last shower, my hair, my zits or the bags under my eyes. I love cuddling with him. He's big enough now, that I don't worry about squishing him, and he fits perfectly in the curl of my body. I am completely enamoured with his body - it is lean and smooth and muscular, and totally beautiful. He is starting to learn things that he can demonstrate, and I find that exciting, even when it is something that nobody else would care about. He is funny. People always told me that their kids were so funny, and I could never grasp how. But, it's true, they are so so funny. He cracks Erik and I up on a regular basis. I am amazed at how much personality he has already, despite his age. He is sensitive, shy and cautious, fiercely independent, yet hates to be alone, he is a flirt and very sweet. He is also a goofball, and I love watching him develop.

Parenthood is something that if I had a clue as to what might be involved, I probably never would have taken the leap, but here I am now, immersed in my life as a mom. Someday (hopefully not too soon) I hope to give Kaden the gift of a sibling. In the meantime, I will keep taking one day at a time, trying to remember to savour the precious moments as they happen.

The million dollar house

I should be going to sleep right now, but my mind is racing. I'm under a bit of pressure these days to make something happen. Something big. We gotta sell our house, and it really needs to happen this year. It's like a chess move, a big one, and I don't know that I ever knew how to play chess very well. I'm not one you consult on strategy, but rather how to make the pieces look nice on the board. With this move, there are different options. There's the obvious one, list the house on MLS; work with an agent; have some open houses; hope and pray. And, if you're really desperate, bury that Saint What-his-name thingy in your backyard facing East under, no more, no less than, 6 inches of soil, while spinning in circles. I have done all that with previous projects, but this house needs more, especially if we're going to get out of it without losing our asses.

Since the first time I walked into this place, I have seen potential and been mesmerized by it. Over time, I developed a vision for this place that I dream of being realized. I get so depressed thinking that I may not be able to have it come to fruition, though I know it's a strong possibility. I want so badly, to have someone fall in love with my vision, and say, "Why yes! We would love to have that. How much you say? One million dollars?! Hell yeah, we'll take it. Where do we sign?"

On Thursday, I had a long meeting with the contractor I've been working with for the last 6 months or so. He and I went through the house and imagined what it could be if cost wasn't an issue. To me, that's one step away from heaven. I love brainstorming about what a space can become. Rarely, if ever, do you get to manifest your first inspired vision, the vision always morphs. I love to become so intimately entranced with the detailed nuances of a project. It makes me feel so alive and content. It's crushing to walk away from something I'm so passionate about, but then I have to acknowledge that there's reality to contend with. I don't want to go doom and gloom listing off the current crappy conditions that exist in reality, because I think we all know. Point is, it's not exactly the ideal climate to find my fantasy clients/house buyers. BUT Dammit, this house can be a sweet 'effin house!

Anyway, I have plans for how to market my brilliance, it just hasn't made it much past the stage of big talking, some floor plans and this blog, but I have plans, oh yes. Once I have the floor plans nailed down, I'm having 3-D renderings done of select areas, such as the kitchen, curb appeal and some cool angle of a living area, then the marketing plan hits the web. We're working with 2 agents who are coming up with a plan of attack. While I am trying to get my vision into a form that someone other than those of us in the business can see.

For now, here are the existing floor plan images, for both levels, and the drawings I did up this weekend. Sorry the quality is lousy, no time to adjust....

Kaden's First Christmas

Greetings Followers, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving/Hanukkah/Christmas!

This holiday season was among the stranger, if not the strangest we've ever had. It all started with Thanksgiving. Our family tradition for most of the last decade has been to haul all our crap up to The Cabin in Jemez to party, sleep and stuff ourselves silly for 3 or 4 days. Typically, my dad, is our chef extraordinaire. He plans, buys and cooks almost all of every meal for 7-16 people throughout our stay, but this year was different.

OK, I need to interject a little background about my dad to set the stage for some of the reason why things have been strange this year. To me, my dad has always been a strong, tall, confident, athletic, ambitious, capable and determined man, whom until now, I saw as semi-invincible. In my whole life, he's only had a handful of colds, annoying seasonal allergies, and a shoulder injury he got while digging a trench. Other than that, he's been ridiculously healthy. Then this year came. Something happened to him, which we still haven't figured out. He got something. Something that really hurts, something that sucks all his energy away, something that quieted his passion for life. Something that crippled him so much that he could not drive, pick up his grandsons, put on his socks or braid his hair by himself. This "disease" has many symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis, but the Doctors say that it's not what it is. In addition, he also developed Carpal Tunnel in his hands at the same time as all of this. So a number of weeks ago he had surgery on one hand to relieve it, but he has yet to feel the results. Until about 2 weeks ago, my dad was not the one cooking dinners or celebrating, he was the one in bed napping, yet again. 2 weeks ago he started Prednisone, a heavy duty steroid. Finally he is getting some relief from the pain, after getting worse every day, but we still don't know what is going on. The hunt for the diagnosis continues.

Now that you have a bit of history on my dad, I can continue my story.... Thanksgiving: typically Turkey Day is my dad's territory. He loves to cook. He usually makes all the "main" dishes, and the rest of us fill in with some sides and desserts. This year he couldn't possibly do that. Instead of one of the family members stepping up, we recruited Mira's long time beau and professional chef, Kevin, to fly out from Seattle to cook us dinner. Actually, he was coming out anyway, but boy was it convenient to coerce him into cooking our turkey, gravy, potatoes and stuffing! So for the first time in my life, someone else cooked the Poling's Thanksgiving Turkey, while my dad hung out on the couch or in bed. Kevin did a great job, and I am thankful that the job was not handed to me.

Fast forward one month to the holiday season of gift giving.

For only the 2nd time in my life, I did not light the Hanukkah candles. I don't have a good reason, it just didn't happen. I'm sad about it, because I love the tradition. The song, the moments of stillness to watch the menorah, the memories of years past, I love them all, but for some reason we didn't get around to it. Right here, right now, I vow to do it next year for myself and for Kaden. I don't care about the presents, I like the ritual and the acknowledgment of my family roots.

In preparation for the glorious day of Christmas excess, I shopped high and low for the "perfect"gifts for our growing family. For many, many years our Christmas's have been for 6 or 7 people, all adults. This year, we had 7 adults plus 2 children. Boy does that plus 2 make a difference! Don't get me wrong, my family is all about excess and chaos, but you throw in that plus 2 and you're opening gifts until 6:30 at night. You think I'm joking? Nope. Not joking. It's not just the number of gifts (which is always way too many in my clan) but you have to factor in naptimes and fussy times and.... okay, it wasn't all the kids' fault, we did have another issue this year. That issue has been dubbed "Puke-a-thon '09." Oh yeah, 7 out of 9 family members got the pukes. It started on Christmas Eve. Mira, my mom and Zabri were the first to go down, next came my dad and Eli. Erik was next, then Kaden didn't get it till later. Tasha and I, the breastfeeding mamas, seemed to have special powers to ward off the gunk AND lose weight. Yay breastfeeding! Amazingly, nobody was actually actively sick during the day of Christmas, but there were lots of sensitive stomachs. Instead of our traditional dinner, we had eggs. Yep, we had breakfast for Christmas dinner. As I said, my dad is a big cook, so we're all used to a lot of good, gourmet food, but this year, he and I whipped up some scrambled eggs and sausage for dinner. I still find it very funny, because I can't recall EVER having breakfast for dinner, let alone for a major holiday. What can I say, we all had to "go with the flow" this year. All in all it was great. Nobody had any fights, we all pitched in to help when the pukers went down and my dad was hurting, there was a slew of great gifts, including some really fabulous hand-crafted treasures, and it's always fun having a family slumber party up on my folks' hill in Placitas. We still haven't put everything away, but really, what's the point when you have a kid? Your house is always trashed anyway....

Speaking of our house.... we're selling it. Yep, it's time. Our last freak out was almost exactly a year ago, but this time we have a yard that is acceptable for selling this place. On Christmas Eve, Erik announced to me how much we had left in savings, and how long it would last if we stayed here. Yeah.... so not a sustainable equation unless something were to dramatically change. Theoretically I could put Kaden in daycare and get a job (hahahahaha.... ooo, good one!) or hustle my tushie off to drum up some work that would be significant enough to put us in the black, but right now I don't see that happening. This house is a treasure of potential, but a bottomless pit for money if you're a contractor with a mission. I will be sad to walk away, because I have such clear visions of what it could be, but we're both sick of our house making decisions for so many other parts of our life. It is time to move on. There are many, many decisions to be made before it can be listed, so at least I'll have some writing material other than squirting milk and poopy diapers, but time will be even more scarse, so you may just have to learn how to read my mind if you want future blog posts.

Tomorrow is the last day of 2009 and what a year it's been! We became parents. Which is such a loaded statement, I would have to write a whole separate post just to attempt to summarize what that means to me. What I can say is that it has been an enlightening journey. I am thrilled that I got to experience having him at home, without interference. The transition from independent business woman to Mom was way more difficult than I could have imagined. The sleep deprivation and constant depression pushed me to the brink of total collapse numerous times, but here I am. I couldn't have survived without the support of family and friends, and because of that, I now have a profound appreciation and sense of respect for all single parents. I am proud of Erik for being such a wonderful dad and husband. Kaden lights up every time he sees him and it brings my heart joy. Erik continues to amaze me with the amount of responsibility he takes for us to keep our household running and I am thankful to have him. Kaden is a beautiful sweet baby, who I am falling more in love with as time passes. I love seeing his personality develop and I know that in spite of the challenges, he will help me grow in ways that I never knew possible. This year I also relished my role as Auntie or as Zabri thinks of me, his "other tatas." I adore my nephew and love seeing him interact with Kaden.

This year I watched my dad struggle with pain and exhaustion, and saw my mom step up and take on responsibilities that have been his for the majority of their long marriage. She also pushed herself to try and make money as a Realtor in an incredibly difficult market, in a niche area, while taking care of not only my dad, but also the rest of our family when we needed her. If she had her choice, she would do little more than spend time with the boys, but she hung in there because she was needed. She did all she could without complaint or anger, and we are all appreciative of her total commitment to our family.

My sister, Mira, was laid off, but in the void she found a gift for crafts that I think has surprised even her. She has always had an eye for great things, but I am proud of her for discovering and producing so many wonderful things.

Tasha and Eli have also been bowled over with the heavy responsibility of parenthood. Despite the challenges, Eli started a business with a partner and stayed more busy than he could handle. Tasha fought to study for a degree in nutrition, while attempting to continue work on her amazing, totally unique paintings.

I look back on this year and am blown away at what it has revealed. I am grateful for mine and Erik's families. I am proud of all of us for getting through an incredibly tough economic year. I am very ready to put this year behind us and move into a new year, which I hope will be filled with love, laughter, prosperity and health. To all of you, I wish the same. Happy New Year and blessings for 2010!

Pictures

I spent the better part of this evening adding LOTS of photos to various albums on Facebook. For those of you non-Facebookers, here are the links:
Kaden this Fall, more added to his Summer Album, then an album of our family and friends this Summer
Enjoy!

Pictures

Erik has put together an album of Kaden during September and October on Facebook. Here is the link for all the non-Facebookers. Enjoy!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=115958&id=650253699&l=f3bdcbb9d3

October, the month of staying home

I know, I know, no new pictures. Seriously, the kid is adorable and I love his expressions, so I take lots, no LOTS of pictures, but he has this thing with "camera face" so there's lots of photos to go through, and few of them capture him as I see him. Plus, computer time is at a premium.... But it's on my list of things to do!

BABY
Kaden's been sick since October 6th. NO, it's not the stinkin' H1N1-whatever-Swine flu, blah-blah-blah. He started with a little cold, I got it too, but I knocked it out, and figured, "Hey, my antibodies will kick in any day now, and he'll get better with nursing." So I got better, he didn't. I took him to the doc and shockingly, he had strep throat. Umm what?! Anyway, as of a week and a half ago we were treating the strep with Amoxicillin, but that was apparently not strong enough to knock out what became a sinus infection. Because of the Amox, he got a yeast infection on all his sensitive man parts and the poor kid's ass looked like it was on fire. I felt so freakin bad for him. He screamed bloody murder every time we changed him, the pain was obviously intense. So, in addition to a new, stronger antibiotic 'scrip we filled to treat the strep and the sinusitis, we also had some prescription butt cream. Keep in mind, all this is happening while he's teething like crazy. Between the saline spray, the aspirator, the tissue, the antibiotics, the Tylenol, the butt creams, the face creams, the teething tablets, etc., it's amazing the kid still likes us, because lately I'm torturing him roughly every hour or so.

Kaden being sick freaked me out a bit. It made me aware of his vulnerability and how well we've had it since he's been around. I'm really not a freaky mom-type, despite my control freak tendencies. I'm actually pretty chill for the most part. Kids are kids. We've all lived through a lot, and it's made us better stronger people. However, some things that I see as no biggie, are things that I know other people see as a big deal, and visa-versa, but hey, that's the joy of parenting. You, and you alone, are responsible for fucking up your kid. As parents, you have to discover solutions constantly, and make decisions that are totally customized to your family as a whole. I haven't a clue if I'm making the right decision for the long run, but nobody else knows either. Often people and magazines and websites and books try to fooling me into saying they know, but they don't. I can honestly say, that we are constantly thinking and talking to each other about how to approach the challenges that come up raising Kaden. We analyze different options and are implementing the ones that feel right. Home birth with no drugs was right for us, antibiotics for strep and sinus infection was also right. Right now, I am thoroughly frightened by all the decisions we will have to make as parents. However, I am confident in Erik's and my ability to approach an issue with totally different perspectives, discuss it, and for Erik to say to me, "You're the Boss."

Other than October being our month of sickness, it's been pretty good. Kaden is 8 months old and is getting a lot more fun. He is a crawling maniac, so baby mobility has definitely effected our household. The kitties are much more aware of his location and have gotten the hang of tearing off if Kaden spots them, squeals and charges. Finding new things to do with him has gotten harder. I've raided most of the household cabinets for things that he may find entertaining for a few minutes, but earlier this week I broke down and bought him some pretty commercially plastic toys. It's amazing how a stay at home mom can justify $30 for the possibility of having an hour or two of distracted baby time. I'm telling you, vulnerable, sleep-deprived, desperate mothers with credit cards will get this economy going again if we fund them.

My favorite part of this stage is his sweet cuddling. Our routine is to take a long nap together in the mornings. It's probably my favorite time of the day. Cozing up in bed with him, the whole bed to ourselves, not worrying about waking up Erik is rejuvenating and keeps me going. When he wakes up lately, he is so totally happy to see me, and starts babbling and cooing and smiling. But, it's when he looks me right in the eye and clambers up my chest and snuggles his whole head into the crook of my neck that I melt. Those soft little cheeks and the smell of his hair are intoxicating, but knowing that he is a little person with his own free will, who knows that he wants to snuggle with me, and has the power to do so is pretty cool. Despite him being sick and miserable lately, he has still been so sweet and so mellow. If people didn't know him, they wouldn't really know he was sick. He's been a trooper. And seriously, kids don't get any cuter, but you can't actually verify that until I get around to posting pictures.... Bad Blogger no biscuit!!

WORK
I am so glad I told the Internet universe that I wanted a kitchen and bath project (see the end of my last post) because lo-and-behold, I got one! Not just a so-so one either, a fun one. An open up the whole floor plan, Craftsman inspired, cool clients, decent budget one. We're just in the beginning stages of planning, but things are going well so far. I am super excited about it, and have lost quite a bit of sleep over it while lying in bed designing everything down to the hardware. It feels great to have a project again, and I am anxious to get the floor plan back from the draftsman so we can start talking numbers and hopefully get things rolling in the next couple months. I also got a call from a contractor whom I did a proposal for almost a couple years ago, who just called me up and told me the project has been revived and am I still interested. That project is 18 units for a higher end extended stay complex near the country club area, so I'm looking forward to that too. That one will push my comfort zone a bit since I've never done anything like it, but I'm down for a challenge. The hardest part about work coming up is that I want to do it all and give it my all, but Kaden comes first, so I have to figure out a new balancing act. Thankfully I'm a consultant and I am flexible, but being a mom now will definitely bring a new level of complexity to my work and how I accomplish it.

I am feeling thankful. Thankful that I have had a sweet healthy baby up until now, and that his first round of sickness was something I could tackle with antibiotics. I am thankful to have support from my husband, family and good contractors. I am thankful for new projects that are creative, stimulating and challenging. I am thankful I don't have a job. I am thankful that I have the Internet to babble to.

P.S. Next weekend (the 6th) is my nephew Zabri's first birthday! Wow, what a year it's been. Happy Birthday, Zay-bah!!

Finally....

Bless me followers, for I have sinned. It's been close to two months since my last "real" post.....

In my head I've written probably a few dozen posts, and I've told Erik I dream of magical blog transcriber that could write and post entries from my spoken words or thoughts, but I haven't yet had time to search for such a glorious product. It's hard to get around to writing another post, because I can only do it late at night, while I sacrifice either sleep, showering, chores, or downtime with Erik. BUT, it's time to update the masses and give myself something to refer to later when all I can remember about this time in our lives is that I didn't sleep much.

BABY
On the 21st of August, Kaden had his 6 month birthday. 6 months is said to be a magically significant milestone according to the parenting things that I've read. All of a sudden, they're not a newborn worm any more. They can sit, they can eat, they can see and hear well, and interact more! Also, at 6 months, I saw big changes in Zabri, my nephew, so I very much anticipated Kaden arriving at 6 months.

So we're here now, past the magical 6th month, and into the 7th. In some ways it does feel like an amazing milestone, but it's hard to say, I suppose because I'm totally immersed and incapable of an objective opinion. As far as big changes go, he is sitting up on his own. He hasn't quite mastered the counterbalance maneuver before crashing over backwards or sideways, but he'll get there. I hope. However, I'm still not ready to put him on hard surfaces without a pillow or two. He kicks butt at squirming, military style around the living room, most quickly when in pursuit of a kitty. He is so much more "awake" to the world around him, is fun to interact with, and cracks me up on a daily basis. He also had his first tooth break through August 22nd, and his second on September 2nd. The morning of the 22nd, I let him chew on my finger as usual, and there was suddenly something sharp in there. Realizing that it had actually arrived made his fussiness make a bit more sense, and made me feel "smart" for going and buying teething tablets the previous week.

"Smartness" has become incredibly relative and relatively rare, because as far as I can figure, since I've had him, my "smarts" have been leaking out my milk every time I nurse him. Basically I've traded "smarts" and sleep for big tits and a live baby accessory. I'm not sure yet how I feel about this trade, but I'm committed now, and the return policy sucks. So, here I am, large-breasted, dumb and tired with wet chew marks on my shoulder from my 7 month old live baby accessory. It's good thing that so many people have told me to recite the mantra, " This too shall pass," because I'm taking their advice to heart. Don't get me wrong, Kaden is ridiculously cute, he's a sweet baby, but Mama needs some sleep someday to appreciate all the good things.

HOUSE
During the last 6 weeks, we've been hemorrhaging money and gaining lifestyle. Erik and I can, for the first time in 3 years, go into our backyard and enjoy it! I can't express the change that I feel regarding the house, specifically related to the daunting, overwhelming stress that Erik and I battled with every time we looked out to or discussed our backyard. The drainage is fixed, the stucco damage is fixed, there is an actual functioning irrigation system, we don't have two huge 5 ton A/C units with hazardous waste back there; when it rains, we don't have to freak out if we're not home and wonder how badly the basement and cat litter area will be flooded. There is grass for all of us to play in, and a fence providing privacy from our neighbors and our piles of contracting shit. I marvel at what a new gate and little pavers through gravel leading to our new gazebo can do to my mood when I look out into our backyard. Yes, it was a huge amount of money to spend, especially when we are only making do with one income, and Erik will be stressing and bitching about money for the next 6 months at least, but right now, it feels worth it.

The process to get to this point of yard completion has been frustrating, stressful, infuriating and slow, but we're done for now, and I can tell you about it. As you may recall, I interviewed a number of different contractors regarding the landscaping projects. Being a contractor myself, and having hired many over the past 9 years, I thought I did my due diligence and hired the "right ones." Let's just say that I would rather pummel myself senseless with my breast pump, while Kaden chewed on my left teet with his new sharp teeth than work with that company again. They were incompetent, unorganized, poor listening ass wipes, who took too much time while still managing to fuck up whatever they touched. Despite my repeated attempts to explain what I wanted step by step in order to meet my original specs, to everyone from the owner of the company down to the crew leader of the day, they still had to do every single project at least one more time. It was painful. Even though I held their hands through the whole process, they still managed to screw up some things the second time around, but I was worn down enough to let it go. For now. Towards the end, I actually canceled one of the projects they were scheduled to do, and hired someone else. Thank God.

After many weeks of contractors on the property, the yard looks great. It's far from finished, but when you look back there, you don't just see an enormous yard with an overwhelming number of problems to tackle, you see a huge yard, that has a lot to offer with even more potential. I am confident that if next spring, or the spring after that, we have to sell this place, we'll be able to.

The happiest accident of the whole contractor fiasco, was that because of their ineptitude, Erik and I ended up hiring another contractor whom we had heard about years ago, and he has been like a godsend. He swooped in and took care of so many things that we needed done, and he did so with a great attitude, skill and integrity, a pleasant crew, a good price and he was always available when I had issues. Seriously, in Contractorland, those things qualify him for a damn gold medal. Not only did he work on our house, but I have already recommended him to no less than 4 new clients. I have another contractor I like a lot, who knows a lot, about a lotta shit, but he is far from available these days, and he is not very swift at getting bids out. That leads me to my next topic....

WORK
Now that Kaden is over the 6 month hump, and doing better around people other than me and Erik, I am emerging from new-mommy hiding and taking work as it comes. Before the aforementioned godsend-contractor showed up, I was really nervous when I received business inquiries, because they usually went something like this: "Hi, we like your designs, do you recommend a contractor to use?" I was nervous, because my reply would be, "I could recommend someone, but he may not ever get back to you. I know another guy, but he doesn't have a license. Well, I know this other guy, but a lot of people don't like him, and no, I have no one else to recommend." You can see my dilemma. Well, since Mr. Godsend has showed up, I can actually answer that question without wanting to cry. I have also cheerfully recontacted a slew of previously interested people and told them that I have found "A Guy." All of a sudden, I'm back in the game. Things are starting to happen again, and I am thrilled for the work. I can't wait to get a kitchen or bath design that I can sink my teeth into. It hasn't happened yet, but it's coming, I can smell the paint and sawdust in my future!

I have pictures, but that's a whole 'nother project, for yet another night.

book recommendation

Fabulous book I just finished, that I highly recommend to all the women I know. If you enjoyed Red Tent, you will love it too.

http://www.amazon.com/Sister-Heart-Chitra-Banerjee-Divakaruni/dp/038548951X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250488341&sr=8-1

Breastfeeding according to Dooce

I just read the latest post on Dooce.com and I laughed at her hilarious description of breastfeeding and the issue of leakage. She always cracks me up, and her words were worthy of a re-post. Thank you Dooce for the laughs, yet again!

Here is her entry in it's entirety:

The inevitable post that gets placed squarely in the BOOBS category

So. Breastfeeding. You know what? I think I'm going to begin every post just like that from now on:

So.

Just the "So" part, not the breastfeeding part, although I'm open to doing just that if that's what you prefer. But something tells me you might be a little bit done with all the female talk, you know, considering that the word VAGINA currently appears on my homepage seven times, oops, now eight, EIGHT TIMES. And I really hate to admit this, but when my dad calls to tell me that he likes the pictures on my website, never the words involved, I know that he has had to get up from his computer after having read what is written here and physically shudder to try and get the gross off. And the image of that is so motivating!

Turns out that breastfeeding is much easier the second time around. And that's really all I have to say about it, I'm not going to get all graphic about it, just that I'm really enjoying it. Except, there is one kind of annoying aspect about it, the fact that my milk comes in at really random times, just all of a sudden I'm standing there in the kitchen talking to Jon about the schedule of our day and BOOM, both boobs turn on and suddenly I've got two giant, round stains on my shirt. And he's all, you know, that would be so sexy if it didn't remind me of a cow.

MOOOOOOOO!

It always comes in when I hear a crying baby, of course, and one night last week everything sort of fell into place where I could put Leta to bed. Most nights her bedtime coincides with one of Marlo's meals, and Jon is left to handle Leta's bedtime routine. So I'm all excited because she's going to read me a book about a dragon! A DRAGON, Y'ALL. And there's not even a mention of a princess anywhere in it! I was like, who are you and what have you done with my daughter?! Also, you might want to tell whoever took her that she's a picky eater and don't even THINK about letting her chicken nugget touch her French fry or that'll be the worst hour of your life.

So I wrangle Leta into the bathroom to brush her hair and teeth when all of a sudden I hear a crying baby and HELLO GUSHING BREASTS. And it can't be Marlo because she's asleep, but I run to our bedroom anyway to see what's going on and Jon's sitting there on the bed going, what? What's wrong? And I'm all DID YOU NOT JUST HEAR THAT? And he's all, oh you mean the half cylon, half human baby that's crying on this awesome episode of "Battlestar Galactica"? Dude, you're not even gonna believe this but turns out STARBUCK IS A CYLON, DUUUUUDE! And I have a hard time not yanking off my wet shirt and throwing it at his head.

And then the other day I got to go do my favorite thing ever: ride in the car all by myself. I know, I know, SOMEONE STOP ME, but there's something about the first six months of a baby's life when you're sort of physically stuck to them for, oh, twenty-four hours a day, and the freedom of being by myself in the car, of rolling down the windows, pulling back the sunroof and blasting Beyoncé so loud that the concrete in the driveway starts to crack, IT'S JUST SO THRILLING. And the rush is so strong that I want to call everyone I know and go, do you know what I get to do? DO YOU?! I GET TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE! GO AHEAD. ENVY ME.

So I get there, and I'm walking through the aisles, except it's not so much of a walk as it is a very fancy dance BECAUSE I AM BY MYSELF, and I'm tossing the orange juice into the cart, grabbing the SpongeBob-themed fruit snacks, and feeling like I might just grow wings and fly through the air. And then I think I might be forgetting something, do we need apples? Maybe some peanut butter? I can't remember, so I pull out my phone to text Jon to ask him, and guys. I wish I could tell you that this story has a happy ending, but sadly, that is an impossibility. Because you want to know what happened? I mean, I'm shaking my head right now as I write this because I should have known better. Because this is what my phone looks like when I turn it on:

Fortunately for all the patrons browsing the produce section I had remembered to insert absorbent breast pads in my bra, because I could have spray painted the walls a slightly yellowish shade of white with the fire hose of liquid that dropped into my boobs so forcibly that I almost fell face-first on the floor.

MOOOOOOOO!

New Photos

I just created an album on Facebook with a slew of new photos of Kaden. I am putting up the link with hopes that it works, even for you non-Facebookers....

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2014505&id=1359470867&l=73dad8286f

Maybe someday in the future I'll have a chance to write again, but for now, this will have to suffice!

Enjoy!!

**As of 8/05 I changed the link to something that should work for all!

We have a life, I swear.

For the past 4 months, I've essentially written about nothing other than the new addition to our family, Kaden, and the impact of him in our lives. I asked Erik recently why one of my latest posts (You at 4 months) got much less feedback than normal, and he said, rather matter of factly, it was because it wasn't funny. To which I replied, with all sincerity, "I guess I should write a post about my adventures with breastmilk, drool and poop, along with all the other bodily fluids I am dealing with." To which he responded, with more than a hint of exasperation, "Again?!" Somewhat shocked, I said, "Well, yeah, that's my whole life now, that's all that happens to me! What else should I write about?!" He seemed sad to acknowledge that I was indeed correct in that summary of my life. Despite the fact that my life is mostly filled with various bodily fluids and functions, there have actually been other things going on in our lives, but if your only contact with us is this blog, you wouldn't know it. The most major thing, and most blog worthy, is once again, our house. Luckily, thankfully, I am not going to write about more things breaking. I genuinely feel that we got our fair share of breakage during our first 18 months of occupancy. Now we're on to doing projects and discussing how to spend our hard earned savings in our "free time."

Shortly after Kaden was born, we both had a bit of a melt-down regarding this house. This place is giant. Way, way too big for 2 and 1/2 people. It's a full weekend expedition, at full speed, to clean the place, top to bottom. Then there's the yard - OH MY GOD - it's big! Once we had the little one, and realized, that yes, babies are actually a full time job, we thought that we couldn't handle this place and all the responsibility that comes with it. The payments, the maintenance and exposing its potential seemed too big, and too much to handle. In the midst of our freak-out, we decided that the best option was to sell this place and buy 2 reasonably sized places, one to live in, one to rent out. You know, because having two houses with yards, and renters would obviously be easier to deal with?! Our idea seemed brilliant, until I spoke to an appraiser. She wouldn't even send someone out to see the place, she just said, don't sell now, you'll lose money, end of story. I don't necessarily think that she was right, I've gone through a lot of comps, and I think the market might support what we need, but the banks probably won't, and funding is what is F-ing up a lot of deals these days. So there went that plan. If we couldn't sell now, then what were our options?

An attitude adjustment. After my conversation with the appraiser, our attitude changed. It had to. What other choice did we have? Erik and I had been freaking out, projecting loss of life, limb and security, but no more. We had to step back and look at our reality, especially in relation to so many other families, right now. We had more than ourselves to consider, which made everything more scary and more important. Our attitude was (and is) critical to the life we lead. If we felt scared, we needed to project positive things. If we felt hopeless, we needed to see the positive, and focus on that instead. Easy to say, hard to do.

Erik and I by nature, are both pretty conservative, not politically, but financially, and in regards to life decisions. We're not the most spontaneous couple you've ever met. We both played with spontaneity back in our early 20's, liked it, then retired from it come our mid to late twenties. Since then, we've been on a mission to invest in creating our "master plan." Erik strives to one day be a well tanned pool boy with a small empire of rental houses, I hope to be a brand name in home design, semi-famous in my field for my fabulous tile designs and perky attitude.

Despite our "master plan," this house and the economy shook us up and left us spinning, wondering whether we made a mistake, maybe a big mistake, in buying this place. I know that we are 2 among millions going through a similar thing, yet we have so much more than many of them. We have each other, our health, supportive families, a beautiful, healthy baby, a place to live, one job between us, a bit of savings in the bank, functioning cars, and a semi-functioning dishwasher! After slapping ourselves around a bit, we took it all in and were able to say, wow, what else do we expect or want out of life? We've got it pretty good right now. Neither of us want to lose what we have, but as is the American way, we want more. We don't want to be blase about what we have, we need to appreciate that we have a broken couch with cat scratches on the corner, at least we have a place to sit when we watch T.V.. Erik's car is looking more than rough these days, but it still gets 35 mpg. The dishwasher is making funny noises, the soap tray is broken, and it's fogging all of our glasses, but AT LEAST I DON'T HAVE TO WASH THE DISHES BY HAND. We both want to surround ourselves in the creature comforts we desire, and to do so, we need to be careful and strategic. We both know that shit happens. However, we are now trying to be cautiously optimistic that we can make it all work, while still having a back up plan.

The back up plan. Next spring, if the market will handle it, and the banks are back to lending, we will sell the house if we need to. To sell this house, and get what we need to break even, there are some things that need to happen. The backyard and window replacement are the two biggest negatives. People walk to the back, and their jaws drop. It's so big, and it's a total and complete wreck. It used to not be so so bad, but after the irrigation system spontaneously pooped itself, the sad little desert lawn died, as did some other random plantings. Then there was the whole mysterious puddling of water. Turns out the brilliant previous owners thought that 5 layers of plastic with bark packed between them would be an ideal weed barrier. OK, where do I even start with how stupid that is? First off, plastic with dirt, still grows weeds. Second, if you have a basement, especially if you have a basement, YOU NEED DRAINAGE. Draining into your walls is not a good thing, especially if you have a basement. I could continue, but I won't bore you. Let's just say that these people made some fabulously retarded home improvement decisions, many of which we are attempting to fix.... Point is, we are aware of some issues, and have a plan to resolve them in a responsible way.

Back to the back up plan. The idea is that we will invest a chunk of change into backyard, namely for: infrastructure, drainage, irrigation and a newfangled lawn. With those items in place, if we decided to unload the place and downsize, we theoretically wouldn't be as stressed out to get the rest of the place ready to sell. Although this back up plan sounds reasonable and mighty tidy, it has taken us more than a couple months of discussions to come to this decision. During the last 6 weeks or so, I have had numerous contractors out to evaluate options and give me estimates. I am hoping that by the end of this up-coming week, we will know who we are using and how much we'll be dropping. I am really looking forward to having some grass to play in with Kaden, and I am pathetically giddy at the concept of water actually running away from our house instead of into it. There will always be more to do, and I do have a larger vision for this place, but practicing restraint and taking one step at a time will ultimately allow us more options for the future, while still whittling away at our larger projections.

I can't guarantee that Erik and I will keep up our cheery optimistic attitudes, but it feels good to have a plan. The specific plan may not be for more than the next few months, but we'll keep squeezing in talks after Kaden falls asleep. We'll ponder the plethora of potential that this property holds, and contemplate how the hell we plan on paying for it. In the mean time, we will both keep going about our day to day lives, finding joy and contentment with what we have right now, while believing that if we keep our heads on straight, we'll come out strong on the other side.

Around 4 months pictures

Here is a slew of pictures from when Megan and Pam visited (Erik's sister and Mom).

Grandma Pam and Kaden

Excited Boy in his bouncy chairNaked Time!!

What I look like most often these days

Happy Baby

Hangin' with Mommy

Hangin' with Auntie Megan
Concentrating on the new skill of grabbing
I know it's blurry, but he makes this face a lot and it cracks me up
My Fave of the bunch, SO cute!!

Out to breakfast with the family

Family trip to the Albuquerque Botanical Gardens

Sleeping baby....

You at 4 months

Dear Kaden (AKA Kader-pops or Pudd, as in Puddle of baby or Puddle of drool),

You are 4 months old now. This past Sunday was Father's Day, Daddy's first, and the whole family (Tash, Eli, Zabri, Grandma and Grandpa) all went up to the cabin. It was cool and cloudy, which is unusual for this time of year, but it was beautiful, and a welcome change from the warmth of Albuquerque. We all had a great time, and you totally loved it up there. New sights, smells and air to stimulate you.

You are changing a lot right now. You are profoundly taken with your ability to reach out and touch things. You get annoyed leaning back on our chests when we hold you, because you REALLY want to sit up straight so you can grab at whatever is in front of you. I am taken with how cute you are, and your sweet little voice makes me smile till my cheeks hurt. I have figured out that you are ticklish, and when I get it just right, your face lights up and you giggle with this infectious little laugh. When you laugh, my body stops hurting and I feel joy. I love to look at your beautiful little lean body, and admire your perfect skin and developing muscles. Your face is so expressive and feels so good to smother in kisses. You've lost most of your hair, so you look almost bald, and I'm curious what color it will grow in during this next phase.

Lately, your awareness has gotten much better. Sometimes, you are so tired, but so totally awake because there is so much to see that you are just now realizing surrounds you. When you get wired, and the world around you seems so terribly fascinating, you practically swing your head from side to side, trying to take it all in before it might disappear. I am really looking forward to you being able to sit up on your own. So far, you can sit on the couch with pillows around you and for awhile you manage to stay upright, until you slowly fold in half so that you are slobbering on your legs. We are practicing "tummy time" so that you can strengthen your back muscles. Last week, you were pretty pissed off whenever I put you on your tummy, this week you are doing well holding yourself up with your elbows.

Two of your favorite discoveries are your feet and your hands. When you are on your back, especially on the changing table, you swing up your feet and hold your toes. Because you are constantly putting everything possible in your mouth, you enjoy when I give you a little assist by putting your foot in there too. More often than not, you are trying hard to get at least one fist in your mouth. You have however, also discovered that chewing on a finger or your thumb can be deeply satisfying. Daddy and I (and everyone else) are in awe of how much drool you are producing right now. On average, I change your bib at least 5 times a day. When I take one off, it is totally saturated with slimy wet. I love you, but seriously, the drool has got to stop someday, right?! I keep saying that about my squirting boobs too - this will stop eventually, right?!! I apologize to you frequently for spraying you on the face and in your ear, but maybe we can call it even for you spitting-up all over me, OK?

I am doing better with adjusting to being your mommy. I am enjoying your ability to interact with us more, and am excited to see your personality emerge. You are on a bit more of a schedule sometimes, and you and I are doing better communicating. I love that you now recognize mine and Daddy's faces and voices, and get really excited when we're around. When Daddy is holding you and I come up to smile and talk to you, you get this huge ear to ear grin, bring your little slobbery fists up to your mouth, scrunch your shoulders and bury your face into his chest. It really is incredibly adorable and it makes both of us giggle and love you even more.

On my birthday, the whole family, including Auntie Eeya (AKA Mira), plus Shembi and Vince all went out to dinner, then came back home to hang out. Vince brought his guitar. While he was playing, Daddy was holding you up near his shoulder so you could watch. You reached out and put your hand on the shoulder strap and just rested it there. All of us stopped and watched you watching the guitar. It was late, and you should have been asleep, but you were totally awake and completely engrossed in the music. Daddy said your head was moving back and forth, studying Vince's hands. When he stopped playing, you kind of snapped out of your trance, and started crying softly. We can't help but wonder what role music will play in your life. Thankfully, we have Vince and Laura and Tasha and Christopher around to expose you to instruments.

You just woke up, and want my attention, so that is the end of this letter.

I love you Baby Boy.
Sweet Dreams,

Mommy

P.S. Auntie Eeya took some great pictures of you and us while she was visiting, once she sends or posts them I will post some here.

15 Weeks

Wow, I've been wanting to write for weeks now.... Sometimes, as I'm lying in bed, fantasizing about being able to sleep, I mentally write blog entries. Then I wake up, sleep deprived and in baby-land, so the entries go unwritten. As I sit here, my mom-in-law and sister-in-law are in the other room visiting with Erik and Kaden. I feel tired but refreshed, because I got to sleep in, take a long shower, then get dressed in clothes not yet stained on the shoulders with drool and spit-up, and as a final touch for feeling less frumpy-mom, I used hair products because I didn't have to shower at 11:30 at night. Yes, life is good with other arms around to hold the little one.

Life has gotten easier in these past few weeks. Everyone told me it would. I'm glad Everyone wasn't lying to me.

Kaden and I have gotten to know each other a lot better, and we have learned to communicate with a more subtle language. I am somehow adapting to going to bed late and waking up 2 to 3 times a night, then waking up early. Thankfully, Erik takes Kaden most mornings for between a half hour and an hour to another part of the house to hang out, and I get to sleep. The thing about that precious few minutes of sleep, is that it's the only time I'm really out. During the night, when Erik is totally passed out and oblivious to me and the baby, I sometimes sleep, but it's always a very light, a "one eye open," kind of sleep. When they are off together in the morning, I know Kaden is safe and I can fall into a deeper sleep. That half hour keeps me sane, OK, semi-sane might be the more accurate term. The weird thing about being so exhausted most of the time, is that I have an incredibly hard time falling asleep lately. I lie in bed, listening to my boys breathing in the rhythm that tells me they are drifting into dreamland, and wonder why on earth my body won't let me pass out. The anticipation of Kaden waking, coupled with the overwhelming sense of responsibility for him seems to outweigh my bodies own duties to itself.

Motherhood stimulates a whole new set of emotions and awakens instincts you didn't know you had. I know, I know, I'm not saying anything that everyone hasn't heard before, but I feel the need to repeat it and embellish that statement now that I'm experiencing it. First off, did you know that you develop super-sonic hearing as a mom, especially for kids noises? Yes, it's true, I think I've heard a kid cry a block away. I was able to decipher the cry as, A) not my kid, whew!, and B) I think she just fell down, scraped her knee and she might be a bit hungry. Wouldn't have heard that 3 months ago. Along with the super-sonic hearing comes a bit of a "spidey-sense" in my skin. Let me explain, when my kid cries, my skin feels like spiders are crawling on me, and it's torture. My ears start ringing, my tits start squirting, my brow furrows and my finger twitch with the need to hold him and "fix it." When Erik is the one holding a crying Kaden, and this involuntary Mommy reaction happens, I either need to run away and let Daddy fix it, or I tend to want to yank my baby away while screaming, "YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT!" It is this same annoying instinct that allows me to pick up my baby and carry him around for the umpteenth lap of the day despite the fact that my back is not only spasming, but kind of feels like a acid is slowly burning its way through my muscle tissue, while rusty 16-penny nails are being driven into my spine. I often think that day to day motherhood is more physically painful than labor. At least during labor my body was shooting me full of happy drugs! Now I can't even take an Aleve or a shot of tequila! Sometimes I think that mothers who use formula are the smart ones.... Anyway, it's hard to overstate how sensitive mom's are to their children, and the means of communication that they develop together. I long to casually run errands like I used to, but the anxiety of dealing with a hysterically crying baby in the car is enough to make me reconsider the urgency of toilet paper. These new emotions and sensitivities are just some of the many things I'm learning to accept with my new role as Mom.

Here is a series of photos of us up at the cabin for Memorial Day weekend

Mom and Kaden enjoying the perfect weather

Cutie Pie

Are those my toes?!

What?! I'm just sitting here drooling.

Sleepy Baby....

10 1/2 weeks

Hopefully I will have time to write, sooner rather than later, because I have things I want to tell everyone. Right now, I don't have the time. I have been getting requests for pictures, so I made a new Picasa album and here is the link: Album of Kaden Enjoy!

Seven and a half weeks

Almost another month has gone by and I am finally getting a chance to write again....

This past weekend, my father in-law and his wife were here for a few days to meet the little one and help us out. The previous weekend, my mother in-law and her husband were here to do the same thing. Both visits went really well and Erik was totally thrilled that they could all come out from Colorado to see Kaden. Since I never had Grandparents, this whole experience of Kaden having so many has been a pleasure and new experience for me. I feel like I'm getting to vicariously experience that special relationship for the first time, and I'm really enjoying it.

It's 10 PM on Wednesday night, and I'm sitting here with Kaden sleeping on my chest. The last week or so he's been quite the Mama's boy. He is a good baby over all, but he's not real keen on sleeping anywhere but on someone, which is most often me. During the day it's not too much of an issue unless I want to do something novel like shower or go to the bathroom alone. At night he doesn't usually start off in bed, but he usually ends up there. I'm starting to long for having the bed all to Erik and I, but jumping up and dealing with a crying baby every hour and a half to two and half hours is something I am not ready to do. So into the bed the baby comes and we can nurse and pass out with little fuss until the late morning. Ultimately, it's much better for me getting any sleep at all. Right now, I don't mind it so much, but I can't help but wonder what "patterns" I'm creating for the future. I've talked to my dad and midwife about this, and they reassure me that at such a young age, they are not particularly "trainable," and trying to force "lessons" is not going to do much. I find comfort in that for now, but wonder how in the future I will stick to a lesson when I have a hysterically crying little one and I'm tired and frustrated. When Kaden decends into meltdown, there's no one else that can calm him down but me. So far Kaden has two volumes of crying, regular and turbo. When turbo kicks in, Erik and I are both willing to do whatever it takes to quiet him down. Seeing his tongue go white and his lips go purple while he's wailing and leaking from the mouth and eyes doesn't always panic me or break my heart the way it did in the beginning, but I still try and remedy the cause as swiftly as possible. In the seven and a half weeks since he's been here, we've gotten to know each other a lot better and I am more confident in understanding his needs, but what a transition this has all been!

Breastfeeding has finally gotten easier, but holy shit it's been painful! Seriously, the nipple pain was killer in the beginning! I sorta got used to the nipps, then engorgement kicked in.... For about a week, I looked like I had rugby footballs for boobs. Shembi and Erik affectionately named them "stripper tits." They were r e a l l y big. I have also been dealing with leaking/squirting milk, which is interesting, to say the least. First off, it's really weird to be a milk dispenser, secondly, it's quite strange to have zero control over the flow. Kaden cries, I leak. He starts, then pulls off, I squirt. Sometimes there's one stream of milk, sometimes there's three, all going in different directions. So far I've only gotten more than a foot of distance a couple times, and once it's going, it doesn't stop easily . I have to attempt to stop my spray the way I have to stop Kaden's peeing on the changing table, quick and desperate. Often, Kaden will be happily suckling away then I'll look down and see him getting squirted all over his face. As sad as it is, I can't help but laugh. Poor helpless thing just wants a meal, and here I am trying to drown him. One night, in the middle of the night, I was sitting up in bed to nurse, and Kaden slipped off the nipple. I couldn't see the stream shooting off, but apparently I hit Erik because he jumped with a startle at the cold hitting his shoulder and scared the crap out of Kaden and I.

The first time I realized I had milk (not just the colostrum) was when I thought I felt a spider crawling on the side of my body. I jumped and started smacking the area with my hand only to discover that it was wet. I then tipped my boob so I could see the end of my nipple and realized I had leaked on myself. Yeah, that shirt is stained now, along with all of my shirts that work for nursing. I have also leaked on just about every pillow in the house and most of Kaden's outfits. I'm getting numb to the smell and feel of old milk on my skin and am grudgingly accepting that it's one of my badges of motherhood. That and the spit-up stains on my shoulders. There are 3 boxes of nursing pads spread strategically throughout the house, which I anxiously stuff in my bra throughout the day and night in an attempt to minimize the persistent wet circles that grow without them. I'm like an old woman with a runny nose who clutches a kleenex in her hand all day, trying in vain to stay ahead of the looming drips. I definitely look like a "mom" now, I have frazzled hair, permanently droopy eyes with dark circles underneath that accentuate the pasty tinge to my skin, cleavage that screams for attention, shirts that are stained with breast milk, spit-up and who-knows-what-else, I waddle in pain, and yet I seem deliriously, pleasantly content.

Transitioning into this role of "Mom" has been incredibly difficult, much more so than I thought it would be, despite the warnings. It isn't because of sleep deprivation, it's because my life is no longer my own. He owns me now. He is totally and completely unaware and unconcerned of my needs, he is purely reacting to his own desires regardless of their impact on the world around him. My life's purpose now is to interpret his desires and satiate them. It's quite different from my previous life. Now that he's developing some awareness and getting the hang of the whole "seeing thing," we're being able to interact a bit more which helps my enthusiasm a lot. I've also started easing up with the notion that I might get anything accomplished during the days.
My body still hasn't healed all the way, which has been frustrating, but it's part of the price I have to pay to have Kaden. He's so cute and so snuggly and he makes us both happy. Erik is absolutely a glowing papa and has been awesome. There have been many challenges in the last seven and a half weeks, and there are many, many more to come, but this is our new life, and I guess we'll just take it all one step at a time....

Our little man smiling when Grandma Pam and Grandpa John were in town