Happy Birthday Kaden!!

I know everyone is eagerly awaiting this post and pictures of Kaden and his happy family. I will confess that I am not much of a writer and I still cannot quite put into words what I was so blessed to be a part of this past Saturday. I can tell you this, it was the most awe inspiring and humbling event I have ever witnessed. The power and beauty of Cam’s walkabout was stunning. Erik was firmly supporting Cam all through the night while throwing a few glances of incredulousness that the day was finally here and this was actually happening. The love within the room and from all those far away lying awake and waiting anxiously for their phones to ring was palpable. And at long last, Kaden, who’s brief but lusty voice, broke the spell and filled the room with happy cries.

Kaden Zachary Larson was born at 2:53am Saturday, February 21, 2009.  Much to his Mother’s astonishment he was 7 pounds 14 ounces.

Camian’s labor started around 8pm with Erik and I working out a routine to try and help her through each contraction.  We somehow decided the best distraction would be to cook enough food for an army and spent the next three hours in the kitchen timing contractions and chopping veggies.  None of us managed to eat any of our dinner until 5am the next morning. Cam’s midwife Hilary arrived around midnight and soon after she announced that Cam was already 6 cm dilated.  There was a loud gasp of relief and happy tears from Cam who was convinced Hilary would tell her she was only 2 cm dilated.  Everything went rather quickly from there and six hours from when we started timing contractions Kaden arrived!  Cam is thrilled that he is perfect and that she had the labor she always wanted at home.  She is in recovery mode now, and will get back to blogging soon, assuming that Kaden cooperates.

Enjoy the pictures!

-Auntie Godmom Shembi

Right after birth

Third generation Cubbie fan

New Family

Sweet Boy

Daddy discovering that big stink can come from very little bodies

Sleeping on Mom


Sleeping on Daddy

Look at my hair

Look at my eyes

Happy Mom and Godmom

Waiting game

It's been too long since I posted, but as you all can imagine, I've had some things on my mind. So far, the only obvious signs that I am close to popping are that the baby is very deeply engaged in my pelvis, and I am now 6 days away from my due date, ie: D-day. I have made a point of not guessing what day I think the baby will come, and am trying hard to just keep plugging along with life, with the knowledge that the only thing that is true for every pregnancy is that eventually, the baby has to come out.

Shembi has been here since the night of the 9th, so we've had some good time to visit and do a bunch of little things I wanted to do before the baby arrives. She is usually very busy during the days, working from our home office, but a couple days I've gotten to steal her away for a few hours in the afternoon to run errands or do projects. It's been really nice to have someone to cook with in the evenings and I feel like we've all been eating well. The three of us have actually been sitting at the dining room table every night and I honestly think it's about as much use as it's ever gotten since we lived here. Erik and I are terrible about sitting at the dining table, and this has been a good transition into our "new life."

I seem to have wild fluctuations in my energy levels from day to day. Some days I'm very energetic, happy and motivated to get things done. Other days, I struggle to keep my eyes open due to engrossing exhaustion and feel like my emotions are one AT&T commercial away from bubbling over. I go back and forth about how I feel about my impending labor. Sometimes I feel as ready as I can for taking on this life-changing journey- enthusiastic, ready, anxious. Other times I feel like none of the prep-work was what I should have done and I feel quite unprepared. I trust my body and my decision to stay home for our son's birth, but I can't help but think of all those, "Shoulda, woulda, coulda's," especially being so close to the end of this pregnancy. You know, the things like, I shouda exercised more, I coulda practiced my hypnobirthing techniques more, I woulda ______ if I knew I woulda needed it during/after labor. I feel like I'm on the verge of going on a Walkabout, but I don't know when it will start or how long it will take. My head is swirling with the possibilities of so many things. When will I start labor? How will it go? Will the whole experience be nothing like I imagine? All I know for sure is that I will be a different person after this experience, and I am pretty sure I will be a better, stronger person for it.

Some of you have been following this pregnancy through my blog posts since last September, some of you have just started reading it, and others of you have periodically checked in just to view pictures. I started this as a way to keep lots of people informed and sometimes entertained, but also as a way to journal my thoughts, both for me to reflect on as well as our son in the future. Being so close to the end of my pregnancy and so close to having our baby in my arms, I feel like I can finally summarize the bulk of my experience of my first pregnancy.

Recently, I’ve felt reflective and somewhat internalized with my thoughts. I find myself avoiding phone calls and correspondence, and feeling that besides Tasha, nobody really freshly relates to what I'm going through. Right now is the last little bit of calm before the storm. I can’t possibly predict what is in store for our lives, but I am excited and calm, scared and confident. Overall, I’ve had a good pregnancy. First trimester was pretty rough, but it could have been much worse. My body and baby have been good to me, insurance companies have not. Next go round I will do some things differently, but I am proud that I did better than I thought I might regarding most of the suggestions for having a healthy pregnancy. I didn't miss some things, like wine or sushi, as much as I thought I would, but now I'm starting to look forward to a glass of Shiraz or Malbec with dinner and a few tuna and hamachi rolls with a bottle of Sake. My belly never got as uncomfortably ginormous as I thought it would, but judging by some of your reactions to my belly pictures, you would beg to differ. I am pleased that I wasn't broken out like a teenager the whole time, but disturbed by the seemingly never-ending heartburn. My body hasn't hurt as much as I thought it would, but when it has hurt, I am relieved when the pain finally subsides. I am totally thankful for all the support I've had since day one, and feel truly blessed to have our families and friends. I also have a whole new respect for women who work full time jobs during pregnancy. Seriously, I throw my hat off to them and find myself offering them silent praises of amazement on a very regular basis. There have been many times in the last 6 months in particular that I cursed my lack of work, but I try to have faith that in the long run I will see that there was a reason life unfolded the way it did. This was certainly an off year for me and work, but luckily I did well last year. There’s nothing like being self-employed to create a constant wave of inconsistent earnings. I am totally grateful to my wonderful husband for working so hard, doing everything he can, day after day to provide for us and his growing family. I try to remember and tell him often, that I am thankful for him and that he should be proud of himself for doing what he does to support us and take care of his honey. Not only does he work a ton at his job, but he also comes home and takes care of miserable house chores like the cat litter and bills. He also finds time most every day to give me love and make me laugh, and has been great at rubbing my back and legs at night.

Looking back over the last nine months, I am somewhat stunned at what has transpired. Tasha got married and had a baby, I grew a baby in my body, the economy tanked and we elected a black president. That’s certainly not all that’s happened, but jeez, that seems like a lot of significant stuff in a short period of time! I can’t say that the next nine months won’t seem even more dramatic and significant in our little world, but I can say that this has been quite a year for the books. I am really glad that I started a blog and that so many of you have expressed your enthusiasm in reading it. I never thought I would have a “following” for my writing, but it’s been great to get your feedback and to have a record for me to look back on. I’ve never been one to journal, and any type of routine makes me feel nauseous, so this has been a new experience for me, but a really good one. It’s hard to say, but I may not write again for awhile, but then again, I might. I have asked Shembi to write a post for me when I have the baby. At a minimum, she will give you his name, all the vital stats, and hopefully post some decent pictures. Until then, I will be here at home, continuing to nest and prepare myself for my impending journey. Keep me and the baby in your thoughts and next time I write, I will hopefully be a mom to a beautiful, healthy, perfect baby!

A few recent belly pictures:

From a week ago, in front of a fabulous collection of Mira's photos

Next two are from this past Sunday night

This is from tonight

An update on construction:

Eli will finish this week. Right now he still has to do some grout haze removal and other clean up, a second coat of paint, and needs to install all the bath accessories (towel bars, etc.), the door and a big mirror over the "makeup" counter. There might be a few more tidbits, but it's pretty much done and functional!

The custom cabinets came out great, and including install, ended up being less than Home Depot or Lowes. The tub is going to be a total luxury once I can use it. I'm pleased that we ended up doing a personal shower (a handshower on a hose) instead of a fixed head, because it will work well for our different heights and cleaning the baby. The tile is not exactly what I wanted, but I am happy with it overall. We love the floor, it looks great and it feels even better. This weekend, assuming we don't have a baby, we will get our stuff all moved in and the project will be complete!

Here are some pictures of it almost done:

The tub/shower

The "makeup" counter

The Lavatory area

You're almost here

Dear Baby Boy,

This past Sunday, I woke up, and when I stood up, I felt "different." After visiting the bathroom and coming back to bed, I told your dad that he needed to learn how to fill up the birthing pool today. He got very wide-eyed with a kind of scared look, to which I giggled, because I told him he didn't need to know how right now, but that something had changed, and we were getting closer to "d-day." The "different" feeling turned out to be that you had dropped a bit into my pelvis. The next day, you dropped even more. I now have more room to breath and eat, but I am experiencing some other, not so pleasant sensations. Can I just tell you, that the feeling of my pelvis being wedged open by your head is not at all unlike the feeling of a gloriously enthusiastic 3 year old running up to me and promptly slamming their forehead into the front of my crotch, right after I did a strenuous series of stretches meant to enable me to do the splits? All week I have felt the lingering bruise of the imaginary 3 year old, and the slight tearing of my inner thighs' tendons. All this pelvic movement has also agitated my nerve issue in my back, which has meant that I have gone from limited, ginger movements, to hobbling with crutches between the couch and the bathroom, eating only what I can carry with me while on crutches. But, other than that, I think I'm doing pretty well.

This week has really signified that you are getting close to being born. Your dad and I are making our final preparations and getting excited at your pending arrival. This weekend, we are making a belly cast and going to go out for what we assume will be our last date, by ourselves, as pre-parents. We are also both being hit with a slew of different emotions. Excited and happy, of course, while still feeling nervous, scared and a bit sad. Your dad may be really nervous about the birth, but he's being a good honey and not telling me. I don't really feel too much nervousness or fear about the birth, but more regarding my new life as a mother. The thought that you will be the center of our world, and so incredibly dependent on us for quite some time, is so hard to grasp. The notion that for the rest of my life, there will always be a part of my mind that is thinking of you and your well being is fascinating. The fleeting sadness I feel is that your dad and I are about to say goodbye to our life before you. 12 years we've been together, just us, best friends getting to live life together. We are so thrilled to welcome you into our lives and embrace this new phase of family, but it is always a bit hard to say goodbye to a wonderful phase of life. I know that we are both ready for this change and I believe having you will bring us closer to each other. I am slightly giddy with anticipation thinking that soon we will experience that deep sense of fulfillment, purpose, and love, that everyone says comes with having children. You will open up parts of my spirit and being that I never knew existed. I smile thinking about holding your tiny body up against me, your warmth radiating over my chest, your smell penetrating my raw senses. I think about the perfect softness of your delicate new skin up against my lips, and the way my heart will flutter to hear the little sounds that you'll make. I can't believe that you will have grown in me and been born from my body. It's still too much to comprehend. I hope on some level you feel how much love awaits you out here. You have so much family eager to love you, and a whole community that embraced me as a child, happy to welcome you as part of the next generation.

I had a dream about you a couple mornings ago. It was very powerful and vivid. I dreamt that your head was emerging from me. I looked down (like I could before this belly) to see the back of your head of dark hair and cradled it in my hands. It startled me awake, and I smiled at the thought of you being here so soon. I can't believe that I am just about to meet you, and see you for the first time. Will you have your daddy's eyes and my toes? Will you have my lips and his nose? Whose hair and coloring will you get? So many discoveries to look forward to.

Your Godmom Shembi is coming out in a few days, so that she can be here for your birth. She will help me with more of my nesting, and get a chance to prepare to help during labor. She is excited to be here for you, at your birth and throughout your life. I hope that you two will have a special relationship, she has been a blessing in my life.

The bathroom is progressing fairly well, and I anticipate it being close to done by the end of next week. Uncle Eli has been working very hard trying to get everything figured out and installed. I think it's been a bit of learning experience for him, but I anticipated that and hope the experience helps him on future projects. Today, he finished grouting the shower tile, and next he will start installing the flooring. Despite the expense, I am feeling glad that we took on this project, and hope that it makes for a good story later, when we look back on when I was about to have you.

The grout haze still needs to be wiped off all the tile, but you get an idea of what it will look like. The 1"x 1" stone tiles are quite a different hue than the samples I had, which is not unusual for stone, but it has thrown off my color palette a bit. There is a lot more to still be installed, so we'll see how "off" I am after all is said and done.

Baby boy, you may not end up caring for your mama's love of construction materials, or you may end up being the next generation in the world of construction. I'd like to say that if you're lucky, you'll have your dad's mind for technical endeavors, because I think there's a lot more money in that world.... However, if you're really savvy, you'll get Grandpa Bob's mind for project and land development, at which point I will feel like dad and I are set in our old age. No pressure or anything, just some things to think about in elementary school. You still have a few years before your career training begins.

I hope I'm doing fine by you so far, and you are feeling cozy and safe. These next however many days are going to be quite an experience for both of us, so let's be nice to each other and try and listen to each others' whispers.

I love you already and will meet you soon,
Your mama