I'm a mom now!

Wow, where to start?!

Well, I'm a mom now. I actually had a kid. I am now in full blown Babyland. I wish I had a chance to write earlier and more frequently, because now I have so much to say and it is hard to remember and summarize it all. Finding the time to do anything but cater to the little one has been tough, and the moments are few and far between. I am still totally behind on phone calls, so those of you who are cursing me because I still haven't returned your call, please forgive me and know that you are not the only one! There is so much to write since he was born and I'm sure it won't have the same flavor it would have if I would have written while it was fresh, but I'll give it a go, and hopefully I'll make some good progress before my munchkin wakes up.... ** As a note, this took multiple days to write (often with only one hand), and many naps and feedings later, I actually finished... sorta.

The Birth:

Intuition: It was Friday the 20th, I woke up and knew that there was a strong possibility I would have my baby that night. I had this "feeling" that it was my last day to get things done and I needed to be strategic. Also, Kaden had dropped even further into my pelvis and I was getting stronger contractions in my lower uterus. During the day, I didn't want to create too much pressure or commotion, so I didn't tell anyone of my "feelings." I just plugged along through my day, trying to finish getting everything ready. Eli, my brother-in-law, happened to pretty much finish the bathroom that afternoon, and on his way home for the night I said, "I think you should go home and tell Tasha to take a nap, this may happen tonight." I still think it's funny that the bathroom got done, and my body said, "OK, let's do this thing!"

That evening, when Erik got home, I had a list for him of things he needed to go get. I told him that I thought that the baby was coming tonight and we should be ready. He got very wide-eyed and said, "Do I need to go right now?!" I laughed and replied that labor was a process and I wasn't going to squirt Kaden out in the next 15 minutes. Anyway, he left and got everything off the list. In the mean time, I had Shembi help me with some things in the nursery and then said, "You know? I think we should print up the spreadsheet for tracking my contractions." Yes, we had a spreadsheet, but if you knew Shembi, you wouldn't even blink an eye at that. When Erik got back, we were finishing that up, which both disturbed and impressed him. At that point, it was about 7:45 or so, and I suggested that we start dinner.

Dinner: So Shembi and I had devised a menu, days earlier, of a fairly involved Mexican dinner. Both of the main dishes involved a lot of prep-work (for us anyway) and made enough food to feed at least 8 people. I decided that it was basically now or never, and figured if I did start labor, cooking would be a good distraction. The 3 of us got to work in the kitchen, all of us prepping in different areas, and sure enough the contractions started.

Contractions: They started, and I assumed they were just Braxton-Hicks (the body's "practice contractions" which I'd been having for months), but then I noticed that they seemed to be coming at regular intervals. At nine, I told Shembi to start tracking them on her handy-dandy spreadsheet. Over the next hour, the intensity got stronger and I figured out ways to use Shembi and Erik to get through them. Whenever one started, I would stop what I was doing and lean over on a counter or wall and have someone press into my lower back, all the while muttering something like "open, open, open...." After an hour of tracking, we analyzed the spreadsheet and saw that I was having them about 2-3 minutes apart, and they were lasting about a minute and a half to two minutes each. Yes, I was in labor.

At some point during the night, I talked to my folks, who were having dinner in town, and told them to be available. They stopped by after dinner and asked if they should stick around, and I said, "Nah, just head home, we'll call later if this is for real." Come to find out later, my dad did exactly that, and my mom couldn't bring herself to go home, so she called Shembi on the sly and asked if she could sneak in the back door and hideout downstairs. Of course, Shembi told me this and I said, "Fine.... She can come over." It turned out it was a good thing that my dad went home, because Tasha and Eli weren't answering their phones (sound familiar?!) and so he had to go knock on their door to wake them up. So glad they made it, thanks dad!

Labor: After we had determined that I was indeed in labor, I called the midwife, Hilary, and let her know my status. She didn't answer the phone, but I left a message. During the next hour, my contractions increased in intensity and despite our attempts to get "Dinner" finished, I had to excuse myself to the couch to lay down. Every time another one started, I'd start moaning and Shembi would come in to help. In the mean time, Erik was in the new bathroom, madly cleaning and getting it ready. He was also attempting to get the birthing room and tub set up. At some point, the contractions were getting too much for just Shembi, I wanted Erik too, so she howled at him to come in and help. That's when we called the midwife, again. This time she answered the phone, and after talking to me, she wasn't sure if I was really very far along, but said, since she was already awake, she might as well come over, and she'd just nap downstairs if I had a ways to go.

The midwife arrived around midnight and within a few minutes she examined me, and announced that I was 6 cm along. I yelped with shock and relief, but then I thought, "Oh God, transition's next!" At that point, I think most things became a blur of trying to get me through the contractions and into the birthing tub. There are a few things I remember. I recall being pissed that people weren't following my specific instructions of how to set things up, all of which I had written out on a large white board in the nursery. Yes, I'm that anal and controlling...! Another recollection involves my mom. Until I started the pushing phase of labor, my routine to deal with contractions was to be on my knees, with my arms draped over Erik, and Shembi behind me pressing on my lower back. I was starting a big contraction and Erik was off somewhere, but my mom was in the room. I desperately needed to follow my routine in order to get through each contraction. I started panicking that Erik wasn't there, so Shembi started firmly telling my mom, who was flailing about, to get down on the ground in front of me. Well, she wasn't doing it fast enough for me. I looked up, saw her knees and "karate" chopped them while simultaneously yanking her shirt. This little maneuver dropped her to the ground instantly, at which point I could finally satisfy my need for routine and get through that stinkin' contraction! The other memory, which I can't yet find on the video, is of my one very loud, very primal scream. I don't recall what instigated it, but it was an energy release of sorts and it felt, again, very primal.

Pushing: Eventually, the tub got set up and filled and I got in it. I think I was in it for about an hour to hour and a half before I started pushing and my pushing lasted about 45 minutes. Pushing was really strange. I never got an "urge" like I've heard other women talk about, it just came over me and happened. The best comparison I could come up with for Erik was of that feeling when you have to puke or dry heave, and it just happens involuntarily in your body. My pushes started that way, involuntary violent purging.

My water broke while I was in the tub, so there was no apparent gush of water, but when they ruptured, I felt and, could have sworn, I heard a loud POP! Can I tell you? That freaked me out and felt wrong, just totally wrong. Things in your body shouldn't POP that way.... Up until that point, I had been on my hands and knees non-stop, because nothing else felt even remotely comfortable, I mean considering the circumstances. Sitting or squatting was excruciating and lying down was miserable. When pushing started, I knew that the way I had been positioned, wasn't going to work for the next stage. In my head, I pictured Tasha, how she was positioned in the pool for her labor. She was sitting up, but reclined, with Eli supporting her under her arms, and she had her knees up so she could bare down. I used that image, and told myself, "that's how to do this, get in that position." I did, and my contractions slowed way down. They were lasting, it seemed, for only a few short seconds, and there was also a big gap in between them. Hilary was taking the baby's heart rate during every break, and it was slowing way down. When I heard that, it scared me and she kept saying, "It would be good to get the baby out." All I could think, is "How do I do this?! My contractions are so short, where am I supposed to get the energy and will to get him out?!" That was definitely the hardest part of the labor. The pain I could deal with, but pushing was incredibly hard, especially without the raw, involuntary power of the contractions to make it happen. Throw in the fact that his heartbeat was so slow and I feared for the first time, that the hospital may be in our future. Luckily, they (not sure who) figured out that I was holding my breath between contractions, and when I did deep breathing, his heartbeat went up a bunch. After each contraction, Erik and everyone else would tell me to breathe, and I would, and he would do better.

Until I watched the video, I didn't know how close I was to having him out a number of times. He "almost" came out at least 4 or 5 times, then he would retreat until the next push. They kept handing me a mirror to see, but by the time I looked, he was gone and I couldn't tell how close I was. I was feeling discouraged and scared for him, and the pain was intense, but I finally did it and pushed him out into the water! It was such a relief to feel him come out! I immediately pulled him up to my chest and held him. It was so good to finally meet him! I soon discovered that my cord was really short and after a few minutes of holding him and cuddling with him, Hilary helped Erik cut the cord. After that, they helped me out of the tub so I could deliver the placenta, which went smoothly and easily. Hilary also gave me a final exam, and much to my surprise and delight, I didn't have any tears, so no stitches needed! I don't really remember the rest of the night. I know that everyone finally went and ate our "dinner" and I got into bed with Kaden and nursed him, then we both fell asleep, exhausted.

Reflections: In my head, I felt like I was pretty panicky and emotional during labor, but after the birth, everyone made a point of saying how good I did. I just assumed that that's what you're obligated to say, so I didn't really take anyone seriously, I just thought, "Oh, they're being nice." Having the video to watch has really helped me get a different perspective. I realize now that what was in my head was an incredibly magnified version of what was going on. Watching myself, I see how calm I actually was. I had taken a Hypnobirthing class as preparation, but I didn't use any of the techniques at all. I don't blame the program, because I was supposed to practice daily, but I was lousy at doing "my homework." What got me through each contraction was deep breathing and routine. In my head, every sound, movement, motion, light was much bigger than it actually was. I am so glad that we have the video for me to refer to, because it helped me get perspective into what everyone else witnessed. It's a month later, and I still haven't had that big feeling of "Yay, I did it!," which is kind of disappointing, but I am feeling better after watching the video. The whole concept is still incredibly hard to grasp, and I haven't had time to think about it much or really talk about it since the first few days. I spent so much time anticipating how it could go and what could happen, I think I haven't accepted what did actually happen as reality. I am hoping that over time I will feel the enormity of what I accomplished and how well it went, but for now I am just trying to be patient and grateful.

What I do know is that I am thrilled that I had him at home, surrounded by my family and best friend. I am thankful that I had a competent team of midwives. I am grateful that I didn't have any intervention and that my body performed the way it was meant to. Kaden and I both came through the experience without complications and were healthy and able to bond. Erik and I both feel blessed to have such a beautiful baby, who is growing rapidly and developing nicely. I honestly can't imagine what it would have been like to be in a hospital, directed by doctors and nurses, in an unfamiliar setting with the anticipation of intervention looming. I loved having my own bathroom and bed after labor, and not having to get in the car to come home. I think it was 9 days before I finally left the house, so it was at my pace, when I was ready. I am so glad that Erik stayed home with us for two weeks (his longest "vacation" in years) and that Shembi was here for a whole 10 days after the birth. She was totally amazing the whole time, and Erik and I often said that we don't know what we would have done without her. My family has also been fantastic, between helping with food, Kaden and me needing company, I can't fathom going through having a child without family nearby. The whole experience has been nothing but positive. Recovery and nursing have been rough, but I think I'll save those topics for a later post!

I have not had a chance to look at, let alone sort and edit any photos, but Erik managed to create a nice Picassa web album last week. I assume this link to it will work, but please let me know if it doesn't!
http://picasaweb.google.com/erik.s.larson/KadenSFirst3Weeks#

I haven't a clue when or how I'll write again, but I promise to keep trying! Thanks to all of you for your congrats and good wishes! Erik and I are still in awe and so happy to be a family!