February/March update

There's been a lot going on in the Larson household. It's hard to pin down where to start.... I guess, I'll break it down into house and family and by "family" I mean Kaden.

The House:
The house is under construction. Big construction by most peoples' standards. Up until a week and a half ago, the activity was contained to outside and the lower level (aka the basement), then it came upstairs, into "our house." The basement is like another building that we visit sometimes, so I don't mind there being a gaggle of activity down there, but coming upstairs is a whole different issue. Due to the dust and chemicals and 8-5 activity, we moved up to my parents' house in Placitas. It's been over a week and I'm feeling quite displaced and anxious to get back.

This is the first remodel I've done where I haven't moved walls. We are adding walls and ceilings, but within existing rooms. The ex-gigantous storage/mechanical room is now a kick-ass home theater and storage room. We did a split level ceiling that is going to look great, and a very nice lighting set up. I'd describe it, but why? I'll show you pictures later. Anyway, it'll be a selling point. My dad came up with the idea, and our contractor, Doug, is having fun doing it. We are NOT having fun paying for it, but we're seeing the value it adds to the house.

It's been sort of stressful picking everything out for this project. It shouldn't be, because this is what I get paid to do, but it's been awhile since I've done it. I feel out of practice, and my mind is distracted because of Kaden. Also, it's really different walking into someone else's house, with "fresh eyes" and ideas. I know I should trust myself, but this house is one that I've lived in. I've spent a lot of time imagining the possibilities for ourselves and our growing family, it's not so easy to just change my mindset. When you design a house, there are two strategies: design for yourself or design for the public's consumption. Sometimes they overlap, but not always. I have to imagine what my target demographic expects, and try to design with that and budget in mind. The house has to show well with our stuff in it, but also be neutral enough for people to imagine their own stuff in place. If budget wasn't an issue, I'd have no problem addressing some of the challenges, but when is that ever the case with anyone you actually know? Speaking of budget.... We're over it by more than I thought we would be.... It's not that I'm surprised we're over budget, but we're venturing into uncomfortable territory. Anyhow, I am definitely getting good bang for my buck, guys are taking care of us on numerous fronts. But, I still don't like how much everything costs!

In a couple more weeks, we'll have the final product, and it's going to look great. The whole plan of pulling out loans, remodeling and selling, then moving again, is incredibly nerve-wracking on a lot of levels; however, this is where I thrive. I love to have a big plan, to visualize a dramatic change, and to see a job coming together. I've just never had a kid to deal with at the same time. I also have a fondness for remodels versus new construction, but really, I love them both. In construction, there are always "unexpecteds," but that's part of the fun, the on-the-fly problem-solving to get everything done efficiently, while still functioning well and looking good in the end. Trying to visualize what a space "wants" to be: the colors, the function, the balance, the longevity, the aesthetic, the cost, it all has to be considered. Being stylish, but still flexible with other peoples' stuff is one of the bigger challenges. Puking out a bunch of beige, like most contractors do, is not stylish, it's uninspired. Of course, those are all issues you deal with in any market, but then you add in the fact that this is almost the worst residential sales market the country has ever seen, and it makes for some added suspense. Despite all of that, and the stress that it causes, I still believe in the product. This is a great house, that people seem to like, and we're making it better at a wholesale price. The key to this whole thing is that we're adding heated square footage at a fraction of what it costs us to turn it into heated square footage. The market has dropped, and we would most definitely take a loss if we didn't leverage what options we have. It's risky, but the numbers for this scenario make the most sense. There is so much more of this story to go, you'll have to stay tuned to see what happens!!

Family:
Kaden. My sweet little guy. He had been so healthy and energetic since his long couple months of illness last fall. Then, a couple weeks ago, he got what I presumed to be my head cold, but I think it was something else he was exposed to. Poor guy got SO sick, super congested, high fever, coughing, puking, had to feed with a syringe for 3 days sick. That all came on the day before my mom-in-law and her husband came for a visit to celebrate Kaden's first birthday on February 21st. So, he got sick and miserable, we got help, and no one got a birthday party. It was all quite sad, but we were thankful for the help, even though we were too tired to say so.

The week we started construction was really tough, because he developed painful ear infections in both ears due to the congestion. We put him on antibiotics, then they created an incredibly bad yeast infection over his ENTIRE diaper region - the kind that is the color of the worst sunburn your redheaded friend has ever had with bumps in it. Really not cool. Much, much screaming with every diaper change, and a very sad, shaky, clingy baby after each one as well. That was after Erik and I were adamant about probiotics twice a day, yogurt, baking soda baths and prescription butt cream. We changed antibiotics, but then he broke out in hives on his cheeks, so no clue what that was about other than maybe the newest drug. This is why I loathe Western medicine. The crazy side effects. Some people are blessed with systems that can take the chemicals, I don't seem to have that gene, and it's looking like my son doesn't either. Once this house is all done up, and listed, I will have to take him in for some appointments. Our pediatrician agrees with me that he has some type of environmental allergy, but it will be a project to discover what specifically makes him react. The blood tests revealed nothing, and it will be challenging to figure out what it could be. Something is just not right with his little system, I just have to keep digging till I find some treatments or eliminations that work for him.
As I mentioned, Kaden turned a year old on the 21st of last month. It was fairly anti-climatic considering his illness, no party and the distraction of construction. It was funny revisiting the night of my labor (read about that night here and here). Shembi and her husband Vince came over for a visit on the 20th, and it was fun reminiscing with Shembi and Erik. We all had such different perspectives and roles! It was such an amazing night the way it all unfolded. I really had no clue what I was in for! The labor itself wasn't bad; however, the recovery was unbelievably hard for me. It took me 6 months to recover to fully functional, yet even now, I still have little twinges from how my pelvis shifted. Over the last year, I've pondered, many a time, what life with a new baby would have been like, or what patterns would have been different, had I had full use of my body within days of his birth. It took me 6 weeks before I could sit up by myself, due to a horribly pinched nerve in the front of my pelvis. I really believe that my physical limitations at the beginning fostered some routines that I otherwise might not have chosen. I suppose it's irrelevant to focus on what could have been, but during my first year of motherhood, I have revisited that issue, many, many times.

The first year of Motherhood was so much more than I ever anticipated. No matter how prepared you think you are, you don't have a fuckin' clue. To be the ultimate responsibility for another, helpless being's existence, that you brought into the world, is a job that never lets up. Ultimately, the baby doesn't give a rat's ass if you need something - like sleep, or food, or a potty break, or a shower, they ONLY care about what they need right that second, and they only have one way of communicating - crying. Being the one in charge of deciphering those needs on a minute by minute basis, while consumed by exhaustion and calorie deprivation is difficult. Then you throw in an almost constant mourning of the loss of your previous life's freedoms, during which you struggle with the new role as sole food source and primary teacher, and it's enough to make one feel as if their life is imploding. Once again, the thought of being a single parent is enough to make me shudder. I certainly count my blessings when I think about my support system of husband, family and friends.

When I reflect back on my year, I would say it took me close to 9 months before I started to have "fun" with motherhood, and started to feel a sense of acceptance and comfort with my new role. There are so many ways in which Kaden is a great baby, I know this because people, namely my mother, tell me so. It's not that he is or was a terribly difficult baby (except for the whole sleep thing, oh and the eating or lack thereof issue, oh yeah, did I mention that he's INCREDIBLY attached to me?), it's just that I continually struggled to let go of my former life. I have not had a boss since the summer of 2000, and even then it was only part-time and I still didn't do very well with it. Nine years later, I had finally gotten to a point in my career that I had been striving for, I felt on top of my game, yet I essentially walked away and got a boss who directed my life 24-7. If my work had ever been consistent, I might have been able to consider daycare or a nanny or whatever, so I could continue my work, but it's never been consistent. You throw the market conditions into the mix and I didn't have any work anyhow, but even knowing those things didn't help cushion the blow very much. Like I said, there's no way you can ever prepare yourself for parenthood, it is just something you have to experience.

So now I have had one years worth of parenting experience. What I've learned is this: parenting is hard. Not just kinda hard, but really hard. It's an endurance test, where you have to dig up energy from the depths of yourself to keep going, which you swear you don't have, then you have to find a bit more. Patience is something that you have to continually strive to employ. I've also learned, that as a mother, we are biologically programed to get loopy if our baby is not happy. If I hear someone else's baby cry, it bothers me, but more in an annoyance or pity way. When my kid cries, all kinds of chemicals get released that make me jump up from a deep sleep to go to him and fix what ails him. My stomach turns over, my throat does this weird thing and my "who-ha" lets me know that I need to get to the source of the crying - NOW! Luckily, I've learned how to adjust more, and not be as resentful of not being my own boss anymore. Definitely one of my harder lessons, but I'm finally getting the hang of it. As with aging, the more time you get behind you, the more you realize how much you don't know. I now know, that I have SO many more lessons ahead of me. I am scared some of the time, anxious others, excited on occasion, but mostly trying to accept that my life is no longer my own. I am committed to Kaden and his well being, and I will just keep adjusting to making our lives work together. I have to say that I am relieved that Year One is done with....at least with our first kid.

I'm sure it comes across like I have nothing good to say about the first year, but the little things have helped me get through. Kaden is a beautiful baby, he smells delicious and his smile is infectious. He is really easy to make laugh and his laugh is wonderful. It's hearty and full and ridiculously sweet. He loves me, unlike anybody else. He thinks I'm the greatest thing ever. He sees none of my faults (yet) and to him I am perfect - regardless of my last shower, my hair, my zits or the bags under my eyes. I love cuddling with him. He's big enough now, that I don't worry about squishing him, and he fits perfectly in the curl of my body. I am completely enamoured with his body - it is lean and smooth and muscular, and totally beautiful. He is starting to learn things that he can demonstrate, and I find that exciting, even when it is something that nobody else would care about. He is funny. People always told me that their kids were so funny, and I could never grasp how. But, it's true, they are so so funny. He cracks Erik and I up on a regular basis. I am amazed at how much personality he has already, despite his age. He is sensitive, shy and cautious, fiercely independent, yet hates to be alone, he is a flirt and very sweet. He is also a goofball, and I love watching him develop.

Parenthood is something that if I had a clue as to what might be involved, I probably never would have taken the leap, but here I am now, immersed in my life as a mom. Someday (hopefully not too soon) I hope to give Kaden the gift of a sibling. In the meantime, I will keep taking one day at a time, trying to remember to savour the precious moments as they happen.