Seven and a half weeks

Almost another month has gone by and I am finally getting a chance to write again....

This past weekend, my father in-law and his wife were here for a few days to meet the little one and help us out. The previous weekend, my mother in-law and her husband were here to do the same thing. Both visits went really well and Erik was totally thrilled that they could all come out from Colorado to see Kaden. Since I never had Grandparents, this whole experience of Kaden having so many has been a pleasure and new experience for me. I feel like I'm getting to vicariously experience that special relationship for the first time, and I'm really enjoying it.

It's 10 PM on Wednesday night, and I'm sitting here with Kaden sleeping on my chest. The last week or so he's been quite the Mama's boy. He is a good baby over all, but he's not real keen on sleeping anywhere but on someone, which is most often me. During the day it's not too much of an issue unless I want to do something novel like shower or go to the bathroom alone. At night he doesn't usually start off in bed, but he usually ends up there. I'm starting to long for having the bed all to Erik and I, but jumping up and dealing with a crying baby every hour and a half to two and half hours is something I am not ready to do. So into the bed the baby comes and we can nurse and pass out with little fuss until the late morning. Ultimately, it's much better for me getting any sleep at all. Right now, I don't mind it so much, but I can't help but wonder what "patterns" I'm creating for the future. I've talked to my dad and midwife about this, and they reassure me that at such a young age, they are not particularly "trainable," and trying to force "lessons" is not going to do much. I find comfort in that for now, but wonder how in the future I will stick to a lesson when I have a hysterically crying little one and I'm tired and frustrated. When Kaden decends into meltdown, there's no one else that can calm him down but me. So far Kaden has two volumes of crying, regular and turbo. When turbo kicks in, Erik and I are both willing to do whatever it takes to quiet him down. Seeing his tongue go white and his lips go purple while he's wailing and leaking from the mouth and eyes doesn't always panic me or break my heart the way it did in the beginning, but I still try and remedy the cause as swiftly as possible. In the seven and a half weeks since he's been here, we've gotten to know each other a lot better and I am more confident in understanding his needs, but what a transition this has all been!

Breastfeeding has finally gotten easier, but holy shit it's been painful! Seriously, the nipple pain was killer in the beginning! I sorta got used to the nipps, then engorgement kicked in.... For about a week, I looked like I had rugby footballs for boobs. Shembi and Erik affectionately named them "stripper tits." They were r e a l l y big. I have also been dealing with leaking/squirting milk, which is interesting, to say the least. First off, it's really weird to be a milk dispenser, secondly, it's quite strange to have zero control over the flow. Kaden cries, I leak. He starts, then pulls off, I squirt. Sometimes there's one stream of milk, sometimes there's three, all going in different directions. So far I've only gotten more than a foot of distance a couple times, and once it's going, it doesn't stop easily . I have to attempt to stop my spray the way I have to stop Kaden's peeing on the changing table, quick and desperate. Often, Kaden will be happily suckling away then I'll look down and see him getting squirted all over his face. As sad as it is, I can't help but laugh. Poor helpless thing just wants a meal, and here I am trying to drown him. One night, in the middle of the night, I was sitting up in bed to nurse, and Kaden slipped off the nipple. I couldn't see the stream shooting off, but apparently I hit Erik because he jumped with a startle at the cold hitting his shoulder and scared the crap out of Kaden and I.

The first time I realized I had milk (not just the colostrum) was when I thought I felt a spider crawling on the side of my body. I jumped and started smacking the area with my hand only to discover that it was wet. I then tipped my boob so I could see the end of my nipple and realized I had leaked on myself. Yeah, that shirt is stained now, along with all of my shirts that work for nursing. I have also leaked on just about every pillow in the house and most of Kaden's outfits. I'm getting numb to the smell and feel of old milk on my skin and am grudgingly accepting that it's one of my badges of motherhood. That and the spit-up stains on my shoulders. There are 3 boxes of nursing pads spread strategically throughout the house, which I anxiously stuff in my bra throughout the day and night in an attempt to minimize the persistent wet circles that grow without them. I'm like an old woman with a runny nose who clutches a kleenex in her hand all day, trying in vain to stay ahead of the looming drips. I definitely look like a "mom" now, I have frazzled hair, permanently droopy eyes with dark circles underneath that accentuate the pasty tinge to my skin, cleavage that screams for attention, shirts that are stained with breast milk, spit-up and who-knows-what-else, I waddle in pain, and yet I seem deliriously, pleasantly content.

Transitioning into this role of "Mom" has been incredibly difficult, much more so than I thought it would be, despite the warnings. It isn't because of sleep deprivation, it's because my life is no longer my own. He owns me now. He is totally and completely unaware and unconcerned of my needs, he is purely reacting to his own desires regardless of their impact on the world around him. My life's purpose now is to interpret his desires and satiate them. It's quite different from my previous life. Now that he's developing some awareness and getting the hang of the whole "seeing thing," we're being able to interact a bit more which helps my enthusiasm a lot. I've also started easing up with the notion that I might get anything accomplished during the days.
My body still hasn't healed all the way, which has been frustrating, but it's part of the price I have to pay to have Kaden. He's so cute and so snuggly and he makes us both happy. Erik is absolutely a glowing papa and has been awesome. There have been many challenges in the last seven and a half weeks, and there are many, many more to come, but this is our new life, and I guess we'll just take it all one step at a time....

Our little man smiling when Grandma Pam and Grandpa John were in town